You have heard that it was said, "Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth."
But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.  If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.  And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak aswell.  If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
~ Matthew 5:38-42

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thursty, give him water to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head and the LORD will reward you.
~ Proverbs 25:21-22

One of the hardest things we are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the unforgivable.  We read stories about people who responded in "the appropriate" manner - Jesus himself has called us to respond similarly in our lives when evil is acted upon us; however, when evil is acted upon us in what we view to be unfair, wrong, and hurtful, how easy it is to respond with anger, angst, depression, righteousness, and hatred.  But I tell you that nothing good can come from these responses.

In fact, studies have shown that people who forgive (and don't dwell on the past) live healthier, happier, and longer lives.  Accept the fact that someone will do you wrong (if they haven't in your lifetime already, you must be very young indeed), and when wrong is done to you, you must realize that there is nothing you can do to change it.  The action is completed, all that is left to do is respond.  It's too late to try and prevent them from acting out their evil-ness (for lack of a better term) and unless they're truely filled with malice, they probably don't care what happens to you as a result of their act.  That said, forgiveness really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.  Your "enemy" may not deserve to be forgiven, but you do not deserve to live with the constant presence of their evil in your life.

One year ago, I was in a situation I thought I would never get out of.  I fell down a slippery slope into a relationship that had a negative impact on my life, althought I won't pretend I knew that at the time.  Andy breaking off our engagement and turning around less than two weeks later and getting himself another girlfriend left me stuck in the mud and the mire at the bottom of a pit filled to the brim with emotions that were overflowing out of me.  I was depressed - my parents were in Georgia and I was home alone.  I didn't eat for days, and in the week until my parents returned, I lost about 20-25 pounds (under normal circumstances, that would be a good thing, believe me).  I was angry with him, and with God for denying me my happiness.  I was filled with hate for everything that reminded me of him.  Without the comforting and inspiring words of a very dear friend, I would have remained angry and depressed because I once again was without romantic love in my life, I would have let my anger toward God consume me for placing a man in my life only to take him away unexpectedly, and I would have never found a church I can truly worship in, and friends who truly like me for me.

Looking back, I was (am) better off without him, he was not a Godly man and he led me into sin that I never thought would have been a problem of mine.  I had convictions ever since I was a little girl that he wheedled and cajoled me out of and told me sweet little lies that made me think it wasn't a bad thing...

Now, I have some steps for anyone else who may need to get out of their own personal muddy and mire-ry pit and forgive someone who commited some unspeakable evil against them.  Remember that these tips are only to free you from negative emotions that can rule your life if you let them and forgiveness is in no way synonomous with acceptance of wrong behavior.  Trust does not come hand-in-hand with forgiveness; therefore, trust does not indicate reconsiliation with the one who did wrong.  Once you have forgiven, the burden of reconsiliation is on the forgiven person, not you.  The forgiven person must make aments, and you are under no obligation to accept them.  A sincere repentance will probably take some time before it is understood to be truly sincere.

1.  Realize that the hate you feel toward your enemy does not harm them in the slightest.
They have probably gone on with their life and haven't given you a second thought.

2.  Make a list of the good things that happened as a result of this awful experience.
No longer focus on the bad parts; try a different approach - find the good parts.  It's definately not easy, but force yourself to find at least 10 good things, and remember those things when you start to think about the bad.

3.  Look for the helpers.
Mr. Rogers has said that as a little boy, he'd often become upest about major catastrophies in the news, but his mother would inspire him to "look for the helpers."  In your own experience, who has been there to help you through?  Instead of thinking about your enemy's unkindness and selfishness, think about your helper's kindness and unselfishness.

4.  Look at the bigger picture.
This most definately is easier done with a good distance of time between you and the situation, but it really can be done from any point.  How has this experience helped you on the pathway of your life?  Think of the traveler in the Bible on his way to Jerecho who was beaten and left for dead on the road.  It's a lot easier to play the Good Samaritan than to play the traveler who has been beaten to a pulp, but perhapse your experience has allowed someone to be your "good samaritan" and what doorways have opened up to you because you survived the beating?

5.  Be compassionate with yourself.
To quote Amy Grant, "It takes a little time, sometimes, to get your feet back on the ground.  It takes a little time sometimes, to turn the Titanic around."  The longer you dwell on the evil that has been done to you, the harder it is to stop.  Bigger objects, if you'll forgive me this physics definition, take a longer time to slow down and turn around than smaller ones when the same amount of force is applied to each.  The longer you dwell, the bigger it gets, the longer it takes.  You will make mistakes as you find your way out of the darkness, you'll get lost a few times, you'll feel like giving up, it seems like that light at the end of the tunnel is flickering to the point of being burnt out at times, but "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming" and you'll eventually come into the light of day again.  (and I'm sorry for the Finding Nemo reference.)

6.  Know that the Aramaic word for "forgive" literally means "to untie."  To keep pulling away from the knot of evil left in your life only pulls the knot tighter.  If you're not letting go, then you're tied to that evil.  If you're tied to that evil, then how can you expect to get away from something when you're not letting go?  Starting to forgive loosens the knot and allows you to walk away freely.

7.  Stop telling "the story." 
You force yourself to keep re-living the awful experience with each re-telling.  While sometimes "venting" is effective (and I would also say necessary in the begnning, to share the story wth close friends) there comes a point where it actually becomes counter-productive.

8.  Tell a new story.
Think of it from your "enemy's" point of view.  While ignorance is not an excuse, and neither is carelessness, and purposeful malice and harmful intent is actually rarely the motive for the evils in our lives.  Tell the story from God's perspective, and not yours.  A constant struggle for most (myself included) is God's time, not mine.  God's will, not mine.  God's way, not mine.  How has God been acting in your life for better purposes.  Remember, nothing evil can come from God, and He has our best interests at heart.  He knows what's best for us even if we can't see it.  God is not subject to the blindness that our emotions cause us, how does this fit into God's story for your life?

9.  Retrain your thinking.
When you start feeling hate, anger, or depression (or any of the emotions that are caused by your enemy), send them a blessing.  Wish them well, hope the best for them, and say a prayer for them.  This has two effects.  One, it neutralizes the acid (that is hate) that destroys us.  Hate has a way of rebounding and spreading more hate in our lives; however, love will rebound as well.  I know this comes shockingly close to "The Rule of 3" and "karma," but just as one smile can brighten a day, so can one act of lovingkindness impact your life.

10.  Remember you are not alone.
A pastor (regrettably not my own) has said "I worship a God with holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus constantly forgave those who did horrible things to him.  If you are wronged for doing right, then you're experiencing, even if it's in a small way, the life of Jesus, and that's a very good example to follow indeed.

11.  Forgivenss must be unconditional.
Forgiveness cannot be dependent on the repentance of those who harmed us.  However, wisdom and discernment must be applied before letting that person back into our lives.  Forgiveness, therefore, may require avoiding those who are unrepentant of the harm they have inflicted upon us.

12.  Maintain perspective.
Don't let the evil consume you.  While the "evil" acts of your "enemy" surround you and affect your life in so many ways, the rest of the world goes on unaware.  Find comfort that God really does have a plan, and He really does know what's best for you.  Once again, a metaphor:  If we are a plant, we are living and growing and we know how to become beautiful - blossom and bloom with bright-colored and sweet-smelling flowers.  However, our planter/gardener (God) knows that we must also be pruned back from time to time to keep us strong and healthy.  Pruning hurts us, we don't like to be cut back and denied what we see as the only way to become beautful (while we ignore that we may become weak in the process).  God finds enjoyment in our learning from experiences, when we are taught that our way was not the best way.  Once we've been properly pruned, then we will be strong, healthy, and even more beautiful because of the hurtful pruning.

Everyone sins, intentionally and un-intentionally.  You must forgive yourself as well as others, placing your trust in God, and not in man.  Man is fallible and thereby going to make many mistakes and commit many wrongs, as opposed to God who is infallable and can do no wrong.  His Word (the Bible) holds many truths and comforts that lead to the discovery of who God is and how He is actively involved in my life.  And it's amazing to see how much better my life is for having God in it.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
~ Matthew 6:14-15

Thank you for reading this far, if you got here.  I don't know at what point I truly forgave Andy for what he did to me, but I would not be where I am right now without some dear friends who I thank God for every day - you know who you are.  It was not his act that hurt, but more the manner in which it was done.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and had I not known that he had bought me an engagement ring, I would have been out of that relationship sooner, I think.  But things happened the way they did for a reason, and I have full confidance that I am a better, fuller person because of the way things happened.  It has brought me closer to my friend, it has drawn me closer to God, and I now know that love is not a thing, but it is an ability (quote from "Dan in Real Life, which I watched last night with some friends).  I have that ability, but only through Jesus and only because He loved me first.  For that, I owe my life. 

Would I die for Him?  I'd be scared and I'm not sure I can know the answer to that, but I do know that I can confidantly say that I will live my life for Him.

Blessings upon you from this time until we meet again
 Lana

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I started reading the Harry Potter series again.  Last week went a little slow because 1.  I was in a wedding, and wedding prep took up a lot of free time, (along with Ashley W. coming back into town, which took up 1 evening of free time, and an eye doctor appointment taking up 1 more evening of free time, and hanging out with Melina S. for Semper Ref stuff - and just hanging out and having some girl time, which took up 1 more evening of free time.)  I wouldn't trade any of it for reading time, although the thought did occur to me... Anyway, so my bookmark's placed at Chapter 20 of Book 5 at the moment.  I won't have a chance to start reading again until lunch break... (yeah, I'm posting this at work... probably not a good use of my time... but oh well).  Oh, and reason 2 for going slow last week:  Bethany W. has my book 7 so I don't want to rush through books 5 and 6 when I can't start on book 7 right away (and book 6 is a fast read...well, I can read all of them fast, but book 6 is surprisingly fast for how long it is...)

Anyway... I was in a wedding this past weekend.  It was nice, but it was bittersweet as I was remembering that the colors were going to be MY wedding colors (although I would have chosen different dresses for my girls).  And the reception hall was going to be MY reception hall (as well as my ceremony location).  And the photographers were going to be MY photographers.  Not to mention the groom looked an awful lot like Andy (only less good looking, if you can believe that... Andy wasn't all that great to look at in comparison to some other guys I've known, but... well, the resemblance between Andy and Mike was striking.)  So, I was thrilled for Darci to be so happy at her wedding, and I as thrilled I could be a part of it as her Maid of Honor.  But there were moments where it just hit me how messed up my life could have been if my engagement had gone this far.  If it had, I'd be getting married on June 7.  As it is, the 1-year anniversary of "God telling him no" is May 19...

Anywho... The real reason I'm posting is because I haven't in a while.  (Wow, I just noticed... it's been exactly 1 month since my last post... that's interesting...) And I just wanted to say "OUCH".  I just paid off one of my credit cards (I have 2) and it's completely paid off, but my bank account is now significantly lighter.  My other credit card still has a decent balance on it, but I only use this one for car stuff (gas, oil changes, minor repairs, etc.)  It feels good to know that it'll be paid for as soon as I get around to putting a stamp on it an putting it in the mail, but it still is sad to see the money leave my savings account... (stamps have been raised $0.01, so I need to go find $0.01 stamps to put on along with my 4 remaining $0.41 stamps... I wonder if I can buy 4 $0.01 stamps, or if I need to buy them in booklets or something...)

Well, I guess that's it for now.

~ Lana